I consider myself a self-starter, independent and hard working. I found a way to put myself through college full-time while working part-time, started working after graduation, became a CPA, obtained a Masters Degree and never stopped moving. Fast-forward a decade or two and I had the big job, add a husband and two kids and you would say “I Have It All”. Totally normal life for today’s working Mom/Wife and what every woman should be working towards. Or, so we are taught.

I have received the questions from young woman I interview or speak to at the local University about work/life balance and if women can have it all. Well, these women already know about work/life balance with all the demands of college and for far too long I gave the same answers I was told about being able to have it all. As a woman in business for over 25 years I feel I am experienced enough to offer an opinion on this topic and take a stand to say “No, you can’t have it all. Not 100% in all areas at the level you are thinking.”

I am not saying you can’t be a Mom, be a Wife and be a successful working woman. But, to be 100% at all three is just not possible. Even trying to give an equal percentage in each area seems impossible. We are pushed to give close to 100% at work but still deliver close to 100% as a Mom. What does that leave as a wife and for personal time? I feel like the world trains women to believe that doing anything else is failure. Here is the thing…. making women believe they have to be all three is setting them up for failure before they have started. The problem is you can’t give 100% in all three places of your life (four if you count time for yourself but lets not be selfish). Something has to give somewhere and the sooner we start talking about that fact the better. The CEO running a multi-million dollar company is not a Mom 100% or a Wife 100%.  Most likely she has a nanny helping out or her husband is picking up more of the responsibilities. Not that this is wrong but just a way to point out that she isn’t performing 100% in all three areas.  Not to say the CEO Mom (or Dad for that matter) isn’t a great Mom or Dad.

As a working Mom it is also hard to be at work and not be distracted by thoughts of doctor appointments, tutors, homework, permission slips, sports, bills, etc.. I am not 100% at work and not 100% a Mom. I am definitely not 100% Wife and have little time for myself. So, I used to keep telling myself I was falling behind in all areas. I am blessed to have a loving and supportive husband but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve his fair share. Saying he knew what he signed up for isn’t the answer and taking even more of his share of the pie. Rarely is this life balanced and am I giving equally in all areas. Usually the majority of the pie is taken up by work, the next biggest chunk is for the kids and two small slices are left for husband and me time.

Because I was in pursuit of the ever elusive “Have It All” I kept pushing forward like all the other women of today.  Once I stopped and took a look behind the curtain (my own life) I could see how much chaos it was creating. Maybe it was an internal chaos because I felt like there was never enough time or maybe it was external because my kids were always on the go, or I was pushing for the perfect life, house, Christmas card picture or vacation. But, the chaos existed. The date nights with my husband got farther and farther apart. Tucking my kids in and reading stories get shorter and less often.  This was the reality of “Having it all”.  There are those Moms that make it work but they seem to be in the minority, or only exist on Instagram and Facebook.  I was not one of them.

What was even more frustrating than the fact we continually tell young women you can have it all is the fact that when a woman chooses a different path it is questioned. When I chose to slow down my career and focus more on my family one of the responses I received was “I never figured you for one to settle”. When did choosing your family become settling?  Working as a Mom (or Dad) is a choice we each make and how much or how little should be determined at a personal level and not be public perceived norms. If at the end of the day you decide a greater percentage of your time will be spent with your family then I don’t consider that to be settling.

Now when I talk to the students and I get the questions “Can you have it all?” I am very honest.  You can have a part of everything but you have to choose how much of each portion you will have. There will be a time when you have to decide if you will dedicate less time to your career because you want to spend more time with your family. Or, if you are willing to pass up on family time to pursue your career. Regardless of the decision you may feel like you are failing a little at the other.  But, with that decision you have to be okay with people either passing you in your career or memories passing without you at home.  If you choose home just know people will pass you by in your career and you need to be okay with that. The job will always be there. Whatever pace you choose to set is the correct choice for you.  Don’t set your pace to someone else’s career goals.  You choose the pace at which you participate at work and with your family.

I am opting to be more present for the moments in my children’s life versus pushing for a career focused on chargeable hours, a bigger bonus or taking on one more client. I am redefining what “Having It All” means.  I am having it all in smaller portions so that I am not settling for less in bigger portions.