“This is who I am”

“This is where I am from”

“This is my mess”

“This is what it means to belong to myself”

Viola Davis

As I read these words in Brené Brown’s book Braving The Wilderness I had a sense of understanding, knowing, and agreement. The inner voice saying “Yes! I know what it means to belong to myself!”.  It isn’t a constant all the time feeling, and it hasn’t always been there.  It was a journey. It still is a journey.  I am always learning about myself.  About who I am.

I don’t know that I truly know who I am just yet. I am still peeling back the layers. Layers of design, personality, training, and cover-up I wrapped around who I was at the core.  Who I am at the core.  Because, for too long, I believed that at the core I was flawed, unworthy, not good enough.  I was always embarrassed of everything I said or did.  Believing it was never good enough, smart enough, right.  I was ashamed to be me.  So, I added layers to become what I thought other people wanted, expected, were, would accept.

The problem with adding layers to what is real is that sooner or later you develop cracks.  Just like a home develops cracks in the walls when it shifts, expands, and contracts.  So, what did I do?  I added more layers.  Which only resulted in more cracks.  Some were small, hairline type cracks and others were more defined.  Eventually, I developed cracks so big I couldn’t cover them up.  When that happened, I believed everything was falling apart.  Really, it was the opposite and the true me was emerging.  Everything was falling into place. 

The layers I had worked so hard at building into who I was in the world no longer served me.  I found that by acknowledging who I am, versus ignoring, I could begin to live my life.  I had stood with my back to who I was, at the core, for so long I had grown accustomed to believing there was nothing good inside.  By turning around to look directly at myself, acknowledging who I am, embracing myself, and owning her I was able to bring my life from the dark and see me for something more.  I wasn’t as broken at the core, as my fears would have me believe. 

When I turned around to see who was there, I found the beauty of a small child with an inquisitive mind and a big heart.  Many young versions of me.  Right where I had left them.  Where I had added another layer.  Tape over the mouth, the arms, the hands, the mind.  Reforming, changing, redesigning, and adding layers upon layers.

I see her in a new light now.  I see her for the beauty she is and the excitement she has for the world.  I embrace the naïve spirit and tell her don’t be in a hurry to grow up just because everyone else is.  I tell her it is okay if you don’t understand things about the world because you will in time. Be you.  Do what feels right to you.

Don’t be hard on yourself for the actions of someone else.

Don’t think people don’t love you or don’t care about you because they don’t show more interest in things you do.  They just don’t know how to talk to you.  Start the conversation. 

You are strong and your energy is intimidating to others because they don’t have your strength.  You are creative, talented, and driven.  Don’t let those flames be extinguished so you can fit in. 

You are you. There is only one you. You are beautiful just the way you are.  Life will throw you mountains and valleys.  You will have to go through and over both.  Don’t let them deter you and know they don’t define you.  Don’t diminish who you are because of them. 

You may turn away from yourself one day believing if you do that you can leave all the tough stuff behind. 

Know that when you stop to turn around, to find yourself, and to love yourself the way you always wanted from others … that is when you will know what it means to belong to yourself.